These are the days of our 4 year old lives…

Last night is a prime example of how difficult it can be to manage the shattered expectations of fun times with my tenacious hyped little boy. It’s always the same formula – some exciting, out of the ordinary experience, an inability for him to focus on the present fun, and a sharp increase in defiance and resilient impatience. Granted, there’s a slow movement away from these tendencies, but I remember all the way back to his infant days when these behaviors were present – you couldn’t take this baby to a restaurant because he refused to be stationary in any type of seated arrangement for more than 10 minutes without resorting to very vocal disapproval.  Over the last couple of yeas, we have abruptly left many outings, festivals, parties, and other special events in full-meltdown mode as a result.

Last night, I was excited to take Jackson to the local dirt race track for the first time ever. He was eager to get on the road as soon as I told him after work, but I ensured we waited a bit so as not to arrive too early (predicting his impatience at waiting for events to commence).  Finally we set off, with very clear expectations that we would stay as long as he maintained a pleasant attitude and followed directions. Of course, he promised to uphold our bargain, but as soon as he entered the track, the sensory excitement of all the people, the sounds, the cars whizzing around, and the usual overload of fun set him into a different behavior track.

He began his usual proclivity toward “what’s next?” instead of focusing on enjoying the current race experience. He wanted a drink. He wanted earplugs. He wanted to switch earplugs. He wanted to take the earplugs out altogether. He wanted to stand up. He wanted to sit on my lap. He wanted to wiggle. He wanted to ask why the cars weren’t going faster. He wanted to kick his feet. He wanted to burrow into my lap. He was hot. He was bored. He was tired.

All of this happened in the span of approximately 20 minutes, including the transaction for purchasing the requested drinks and earplugs at the snack stand.

He’s constantly moving, constantly thinking, constantly focused on what we’re doing, instead of actually enjoying it.  Honestly, he reminds me of myself – these are some of the very things I struggle with, but in a very different manner. My hyperactivity is rather internal, more cognitively, more emotionally focused. Jackson’s is a combination of internal and external, and I often find the physical ever-moving going/going/going stuff utterly frustrating and exhausting.  Especially within the realm of a little boy, who is already wired to lack patience, attention span, and ability to mitigate hyperactivity.

So the end result of the evening? He surpassed the fidgety, tense state and merged into defiance and poor behavior, first with a couple semi-terse phrases toward me (which I let slide with some admonishments), but then followed with a true moment of ill-suited behavior, and I promptly followed my guidelines and left the establishment to go home. We were only there approximately 30 minutes. He was rather upset, and once he calmed a bit in the car, I reminded him that he’s in control of his experiences – if he wants to have enjoyable times, his behavior dictates the outcome.  It’s that simple.

I don’t believe I’m doing service to how much I struggle with all of this, especially as a single mom, often feeling as though I’m on my own with all of this. I stick to my disciplinary guns, and I’m a firm believer in natural consequences, so I attempt to maintain that if he misbehaves, the natural consequence is not enjoying or participating in that particular activity.  However, I desperately want to enjoy these fun things with him, even though they are “for” him and not me. I suffer immense disappointment when the formula plays out the same way over and over, and we leave amidst tears and embarrassment. I’ve had a few of my own emotional melt-downs as a result.  It’s actually also the number one reason I’ve waited for such a length of time to take him to Disney, because it’s been a life-long fantasy of mine to take my little one to the most magical place on Earth, and have a delightful experience. But I know how he works, and I know at this point and prior, he would suffer sensory overload, meltdown, and my fantasy would be shattered, likely within the span of half an hour of entering the park.

So for now, I try to maintain realistic expectations, and hold out hope that the small improvements in patience and attention span will continue to slowly offer us more opportunities as he grows up to enjoy things. And I’m locking in a Disney trip for early next year, so I’m crossing my fingers for that timing to work out, along with the full expectation that our first day may very well be a 15 minute entry into the park, followed by a day back at the hotel to illustrate and affirm that he is in control of his own enjoyable experiences.